Keep your midlife crisis away from me

I was talking to Matt Sperling when I said, not to him just to the world at large, "KEEP YOUR MIDLIFE CRISIS AWAY FROM ME."

"YEAH, YOU'RE GETTING IT ON MY SNEAKERS," Matty said.

And now I'm wondering what mid-life crises are made of. I'm thinking corrosive fluid.
While on the subject, I'd like to make a public service announcement to the guys who dye their hair that flat jet shoe polish black. I'm talking to you, postal service worker where I got my PO Box, and you guy in the hotel elevator with the man jewelry and flashy boots.

You do not look YOUNG. You look INSECURE.

And listen, I'm a huge fan of hair dye. I've dyed my own hair red and white and it usually looked like shit. I've also gotten it dyed in salons and sometimes it still looked like shit but often turned out better. If you are worried about getting older and you're getting vain, then go find good hairstylist who will not make your head look like a giant 8-ball. Finally, you might want to consider that grey hair is hot. And not just in that "men get distinguished and women get old" way. It's hot on the ladies, too.

Exhibit A being my mom and her silver hair getting totally hit on when she visited me in Ecuador ten years ago. By guys who I was hanging out with, one of whom TOLD me that my mom is prettier than me. Ecuadorians: SO DIRECT. Exhibit B being my mom being flirted with shamelessly while visiting the bar I tended in Seattle. By someone who ignored me when I said I would cut him off if he didn't stop grossing me out.